I grew up believing i won the lottery of life by being born into a muslim family. people born just mere hours away will forever burn in hellfire because they were born into a different religion/sect. i was lucky enough to be born into the right one.

but just minutes of thinking into this made me realize how absolutely absurd this is. maybe the whole concept of religion is absurd.

The god delusion by dawkins “opened” my eyes into the absurdity of it all. just a couple hours of reading destroyed everything I had. everything I believed in. everything I stood for. my reason for being here too, was shattered by that book.

there is no reason for me to be here. there is no reason for anything to be here. life is just a random occurrence in an indifferent universe. there is no purpose. just nothingness. I might aswell go back to nonexistence as i was for thousands of years before i was born.

I dont like this thought but its the only explanation that makes sense to me atm. nothing else is satisfying. Not even this explanation is if i’m being honest.

i have no faith in anything anymore. i dont believe in god, religion, afterlife, purpose, destiny, soul, spirituality, or anything of that sort.

i dont even believe in morals anymore. there is no objective right or wrong. everything is just a social construct. there is no meaning to life. its all just random.

I even disagree with dawkins on his attempt at coping with the question of morality by writing bullshit and trying to derive morals from evolution that idea is as absurd as religion itself. Morals are just made up rules that we follow to make our lives easier. there is no inherent right or wrong. its all just a matter of perspective. Different cultures have different morals. what is right in one culture is wrong in another. there is no universal truth when it comes to this. its all just a matter of opinion.

This is what i think, for now at least.

the only reason i havent given in to allign my actions with my retarded nihilistic worldview is because of societal pressure and the fear of consequence, that & the fact that i actually do care about a select other people and their feelings. killing myself will only hurt them. I really wish no one cared about me so i could just poof without consequence. That or that someone cared about me as me enough to pull me out of this.

I ask this from god, if he exists, to send me a sign or anything that proves to me that he is real and that religion is true. I’m still fully practcing islam and following its commands and he left me like this. its as if he doesnt care about me at all. im open to discussion if anyone of the 3 that have the link to this want to try and convince me otherwise. im all ears.

for now im just going to continue because i see no point in doing otherwise. hopefully something changes in the future. whatever that something may be. i want to believe again. i want to have faith again. i want to feel like there is a purpose to my existence again. but for now, im just lost.

my purpose was to worship god and follow his commands. now that i dont believe in him anymore, i have no purpose. im just existing for the sake of existing. there is no meaning to it all.

I may be okay with the void, but what about my grandfather? he believed in god his whole life. he did everything he could to please him, he had questions for his dead sister in the afterlife. its sad to think that all his life and work was for nothing. that he will never see his sister again. and that i’ll never see his smile again.

I want his life to be meaningful I really want heaven to be real. if not for my sake, for his.